Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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