I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
