We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize