I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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