I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
