There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
