Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
