she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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