her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize