When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
