My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
