They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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