We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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