we're chasing vodka with high fives
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
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