I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
