Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
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