I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
