Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
