i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
