i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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