By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize