i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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