Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
