I need to stop coming to work sober
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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