butt sex is not good for yourself don't do it
Thanks?
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Randomize
