You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
