Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
You're like the curious george of whores
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Randomize
