My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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