we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
