Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
