Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Randomize
