Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
