This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
