I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Randomize
