So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
