I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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