i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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