wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
