you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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