this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
