Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
