if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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