I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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