she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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