someone get that fucking seahorse.
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
