when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize