I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
