i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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