were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
