I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
