For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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