R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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