is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
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