that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
He kissed a someone with a penis
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
