I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize