How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
