Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
