He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Sorry my hands just texted you
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
