It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
