so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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