my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Randomize
