you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
