I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
