Sponge bath it is.
I'm drive I can fine osifer
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
