I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Girls should come with a carfax report
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
