we're chasing vodka with high fives
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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