i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
