People in love make me want to vomit
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
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