it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
